Centre for Action on Rape and Abuse

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Charity No. 1124282
Company No. 6525343

Patron:
Prof. Germaine Greer

©CARA 2008
Updated: June 22, 2008

Family and Friends

Supporting Survivors of Abuse - How You Can Help

Don't tell them to try to forget the abuse or say that it happened a long time ago so why haven't they got over it yet. Some survivors have tried to bury the memories of the abuse for years, so this might be the first time that they have acknowledged the consequences of their abuse. Something may have happened to trigger the memories and this is the first time that they have really allowed themselves to think or feel anything about it.

Listen to what the Survivor wants to share about his/her experience of abuse. BELIEVE what they say. Recognise the harm that was done to them; validate their feelings and let them know that anger, pain and fear are all natural reactions.

If you are a friend, supporter or any other relationship apart from partner, be very clear about boundaries, the person you care about has been abused enough, boundaries must be very clear to enable the person to heal.

Don't ask them why they didn’t fight back or do something to prevent the abuse. This kind of questioning intimates that they were in some way responsible for what happened to them. The blame must always lie with the abusers.

Let them tell you about their experiences in their own time. Don't ever put pressure on them to answer your questions. It’s not about you needing to know, it’s about them being able to disclose safely in an environment of trust so that they can get on with the healing process.

Respect their privacy, demonstrate that you can be trusted and show that you are committed to supporting them in every way you can.

Ask what they need from you. No matter how much you care, try not to take control of decision making for them. They must be allowed to make their own choices. You can support them by letting them know what support and resources are out there for them, but leave contacting anyone up to them.

If they are suicidal, you will need to seek outside help - this is too much for you to deal with on your own.

Supporting a Partner Who Has Been Sexually Abused

Try not to take it personally if your partner does not want to make love.

Comfort each other in non-sexual ways until it is safe to be sexual. Holding hands, hugs and backrubs etc can be safe ways of showing intimacy.

Encourage your partner to recognise, and voice what does and does not feel safe.

Practise working with the word ‘No’ - it didn’t mean anything when the survivor said it in the past, it must mean something now. Let them know that it is okay to say no and that their value to you is more than sexual.

Let your partner control sexual interactions - only doing what they feel safe and comfortable with.

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